Magnum Lux

there is no one...
to scream out my name...
into my madness...
from the changing agression...
fighting something that is unattainable...
no one else hears this insanity...
nobody knows this blessing...
falling like running down the mountain...
runs alone to the path...
whispered as dreams...
spat from a complex simple mind lost...
breathing as its own world...
touching and fighting in this one...
for a stake in sleep for its own dream...
those dreams are only held in one...
away lost for only this one to hear...
like the buzzing of madness...

could it see

if your like me...
your the solitary beast...
pacing your own cage...
there is no kin...
your words are your own...
lost for words at a breath...
your face is only yours...
stareing back content...
with this...
and always wanting...
more than this...

for love... for sober

years past me by now...
and no one has known this heart...
is it because i can no longer believe...
did it die at playing safe...
my own fault to accept the obvious...
my voice only says so much...
and to fight would've burned out all...
even in this silence it has its own burning...
like bitter the remaining words sound of curses...
to state the obvious and to have accepted...
like the sun to rise...
it was coming to an end...
maybe more than in that day...

shaken to be

that's what's for me...
words that seem poor choices...
are for the good things to shine...
and with everything i always return...
words are the curse are the blessing...
this definition is the king of my heart...
and for all the dreams that couldn't be...
these hands scribble those broken words...
half speaking of what love was...
what it was inside from another's eyes...

The Weathered Body and The Indifferent Head

Chapter 1

The junk traders choked the streets with their junk trucks, on an ungodly hot day. Broken asphalt was everywhere crumpled from battles fought here 6 years ago. Bullet shells still littered these paths amongst the broken buildings that had yet to be revitalized
These streets still had blood lust running down the broken asphalt veins. But the lust was shoved aside for the struggle of empty bellies that never stayed full. Scrapers made enough to survive into a new day. The streets always provided the materials and wages to rebuild the fallen city of angels
A city that god loved and hated. It had seen so many rebirths, held soo many loves in her arms. The children always came from everywhere in the world to live amongst the angel flights
He always reran this thought while passing mangled buildings on the way back to his apartment. Always drawing too hard on his cigarette while in this thought, he'd always feel sick when he got to his dark room
To pour himself a drink of some whiskey that always survived the renovations of America. He'd try to silence the madness he knew of his whole life from the beginning, the desert he hated, and the angry job that wasn't a career (the only thing he was partially good at made him sick)
The search for truth in this loved/hated city made everything harder to swallow there was no magic pill that made it easier... he'd just cope...
Sleep always grasped at him like a neglected love. He had never been able to devout more than a few drunken eye blinks. He'd never make it to the bed anyways. Either from passing out on the couch watching infomercials or from rushing out the door for work, always with a drink in hand in both cases
Tonight was always the same, stuck in the kitchen cracking eggs into a burnt skillet filled with leftover spiced bits in it. A coffee cup of water and whiskey always got more attention than the burning meal. He didn't taste it any ways between the smoking and drinking, it was the lackadaisical attitude which allowed him to eat everything, even if spoiled.

He'd stare out into the living room letting the warmth take him. He knew he should be livelier just in case a call jerked him out of his nothing routine, but the poison in the cup grew stronger with less water each refill.
most of the souls he knew young and old had a ritual like that, something they held on to like grim death. nothing in the world would ever change that for them.


***

The music never changed it always stayed the same. Till someone passed then that record would be taken out of the jukebox forever retired

The drink was always served neat, never with ice. The water would stretch it out just a little longer. The Jameson Irish whiskey was always at hand while in between these walls

Fights would always be finished before they even be they started when he would start to growl... “Ok Juan you can smoke” tobacco always in the other free hand, clenched tight, drawn too hard and killed quicker, burning the knuckles on cold nights.

With burning days, bleak nights again and again. The choking coughs would start again in the cold; the blood would’ve concerned him if it didn’t already happen before it was all the same as long as it didn’t stop the ritual.

The fits were stronger tonight but he stifled them to the point where it was only a slight shoulder shrug, cool water and a few minutes alone always pushed them away.

A solitary porcelain sink waited below a dim 40 watts yellow light bulb. That only blessed the small broken room with enough light to turn the cold faucet on. He preferred not to see the room anyways. It was all broken with kids writing their names on the walls from tonight and from before this… something never changed through the broken mess for progress.

 Silently staring at in the mirror, staring at someone who expected an answer… the reply would never come while the flinching shoulders lurched stronger. To stand resolved cured the inevitable for now.

His barstool sat empty waiting for the return, bodies moved away from him avoiding the fierce for that came with john’s smoking. Hair trigger to everyone around him. Like if everyone drank his drink, and left him nothing, but spit.

Juan, john’s real name never wanted company but everyone knew his name and this ritual that came with him. His way was too sour and hard to follow. The bitterness burned thicker than the cigarette smoke the held him in the center of it.

Knocking on the bar caught Tortuga’s attention to see Juan’s one stained index finger in the air that made the motion pointing down in front of him on the bar. This signal meant he expected another drink soon.

The drink would sit without complaint till Juan gave it the love it was created for. Fresh air would need to be taken before he could love the remaining love in the world for him.

This part of town always grew back faster and darker than any other part of downtown. The cold air mixed with the smoke on his breath it showed his life in obvious motions against the orange lights of the city.

Silence was everywhere around him; his lungs gave up on fighting the smoke for now. The world grew easier with long embracing draws. His minds world would draw in that silence as well while he stood against the rubble hidden in the shadow of the rebirth of the never dying almighty…

Those tagging kids always came around always forever asking for cigarettes or money that they would use to look for a cheap high that most people didn’t know about.

Juan never pitied them because he believed they did it to themselves their own private hell, and he wouldn’t help them by make himself poorer. He’d just swat them away with his free hand that was the only help he was willing to give them. They’d always try same ones every time. Some kind of addiction to the either the abuse, or to the ritual.

They would always stare at his six shooter at his side, and say “oye vaquero can I bum…” that’s as far as they’d get with him, before he would belt them in the mouth.

There was always the one kid who seemed smarter than the rest who always stood 2 or 3 paces behind the kids who always got smacked every time. On one occasion Juan grabbed him in his frustration and pistol whipped the young hungry kid; when one kid tried to reach for the cigarette out of his mouth. That was the only kid that learned the lesson to leave him alone even though the kids never reached at him again.

The fits started in stronger than earlier when he backhanded one and kicked another one in the stomach, this time was much worse than before because the blood came out like a spray in the first cough and he dropped to his knees.

Sucking in cold air from a blood filled mouth he said “Awe… Shit!” then dropping his cigarette he gasped for air… air that burned in his chest like fire even in the cold air, Fire did not belong there. His stomach following the lead gave over to the over whelming pain. The kids seeing the blood ran away before he even got to drop his cigarette.

Everything was losing his attention quickly as the pain he felt was beginning to become more than he could handle. The part of the world he could still grasp was his saying something he couldn’t understand and the sensation of falling back slowly.

He couldn’t rationalize anything in this experience nothing had ever come close. There was only the pain in every part of his body. He tried and fought with everything in his soul to stand normally. Flailing in his mind against this overbearing sensation for real or in the heart was something that couldn’t be defined from the words that away from the blood on his lips.

This struggle was all he knew from the beginning... his beginning the only struggle that mattered. There was nothing else here just this fight for sharp painful breaths and the process to stand ignoring the pain.

 Chapter 2

Stupid voices spoke outside uncaringly of those who listened as if no one else was there who listened as if no one else was there to hear them reveal their hearts, even decades after they spoke last.

Everything around him was like this the idiot box just had been louder but not loud enough to call his attention away from the attempt to silence the breathing madness inside. Staying up all night somewhere between remembering…

Disturbances outside the normal always drew anger with more irritation than days sitting summer heat. Tonight’s call was not a different part of the night’s slow drip. Screaming sounds of electronics followed reaching through intentional broken views of the world.

“Yeah?!” Mumbling, fumbling, irritation.

“Vincent! You need to get downtown now!” trembling irritation always came from this voice at this time of night. Mothers to some, mothers to all, never approving.

“I’ll be there after I shower, Sharon.” He knew she disapproved of most of the things he did but she was his work superior, not his mother. But out of respect he gave indifferent meekness.

“Vincent… it’s important. You need to be here at the scene…” Sharon said in a tearing voice.

 Before Vincent cut in yelling “Yeah I’ll be there like I always am” before he hung up. The liquor always gave him the truth he feared to say by daylight sober. In his mind he had a good laugh about it.

Sitting up to turn off the constant light of the TV he spilled his coffee that everything sank to the bottom of. His single couch had all the same marks on it from the nights before. Stepping down on the ground his bare foot stepped on to his empty plate he barely finished before trying to give up on this day. If he wasn’t awake with frustration already the fork on the plate woke up everything inside of him with screaming nerves.  The shower excuse wasn’t a lie anymore.

Water was always soothing even though it could take him in other ways. The alcohol was only brushed off the skin not off the soul. Cold energy drinks would mask some of the obvious; cigarettes would be the other winning factor to hiding it.

Driving like this half living half attempting was always the mortal challenge but the hypnotic road would force the body into attention for the time being and the journey would always be forgotten again without any passing nostalgia.

Only if the cranky old man wasn’t there, he could actually get some work done. Things were always tense always taught eternally, ready to snap with a slap to the face. Everything slipped when knew the old man was there. Always afraid of the criticism, that always came wither spoken or just a facial expression. It always made his hands clip corners justifying the sound of disapproval the sigh the hiss or some kind of curse that was barked in his limited vocabulary.

There was always the gloom he felt when the old man was near, the bark and the disapproving grunts always fumbled Vincent’s simplest actions, but he had to endure the demeaning and vulgar looks. Respect, was what the angry burnt old man deserved, after years of carrying everyone and surviving everything that had happened after the war.

Lines drawn between the plebs and the authority always written in yellow score the scene, flashed in red and blue lights twisting in constant revolution.

There was always the hurdle of the idiot uniform police officers, unsure of what to do after something had actually happened. As if action was all they knew or understand in these untamed streets. White sheets would be the only thing they could ever think of. And that would be the barrier between the elements that may have been the reason this sorry person was here.

Travelers had to break it down clinically cold as such to look aside, to do their work.  It was only to make it to the next day intact, cynicism was easier and healthier.

Walking the familiar routine he could do almost blindfolded. The faint smell of blood and vomit in the air mixed with the beer and/or some other kind of vice.

Indifference claimed all in this frame of mind… till a lost uniform reached out and grabbed Vincent by his wrist and said “Vincent.” Followed by “please wait”

“get your damn hands off me!” followed by Vincent snapping his arm away to make a fist before noticing it was a dumb female uniform, staring at him with idiot eyes.

He glared at her with an added frustration that he couldn’t release at her. She didn’t know him to be so familiar and say his first name “Stupid girl!” he spat at her before he turned back to work that was laying a few feet away.

The old man would’ve pushed that stupid girl for touching him. Always on end never happy, just always effective… he never gained friends for it. The old man had a job to do and would smack or push anyone out of the way who bothered him.

His job was to travel back to the final gasps of this sad burnt soul, for justice and for peace. Their mysteries would linger like blood stained hands invisible to others till they put to rest.

This was for the travelers, his cross to bear, his penance, imagined or true, buying karma in advance. Coldness was how he’d carry on as in only giving the prescribed amount of respect.

Vincent could rest easy again after the old man would light a cigarette because it meant the old man was done and would be leaving soon. And all the simple functions would all come back again, like speaking like a person again, no longer the silent pending anger would show on his face.

His tools he pulled from his breast pocket that also drew out his coffin nails he had next to his lighter to the ground, just a few feet away from the white sheet that protected the world from seeing another shit bricker cut open and spilt crappy paisa beer and blood all over the side walk.

He could smell the cheap beer that smelled like trash even when it was still in the can. There was no way to romantized this in his head. This is what the world had for him, shit and the smell of shit in a can, the die was cast and it always kept him in the middle of this shit forever. Another night, like the rest before.

He’d breathe a sigh after looking around over his shoulders, and not seeing the old man giving him daggers. Then he’d pull away the sheet to see the face he dreaded seeing the whole night.

Blank, silent with the life missing poured out with blood from his mouth in his final breath all over the front of his shirt. Lost, Vincent froze on the ground losing everything in his mind seeing Juan (John) Salvatore under the sheet a victim of a regrettable night. Everything was silent here, there wasn’t a siren, there wasn’t homeless or wastes being questioned, no idiot uniforms stopping him from this pain of this moment.

This old man he watched, waiting for him sit up and belittle him for staring at him for laying still. After everything they survived together, his savior, his mentor, and his only father figure couldn’t say anything anymore.

The struggle against the night was over now, sleep…

knocking

this sound goes on...
these hard earned breaths live on...
it goes on without...
everything it is, is lost...
from the breaking of lost minds...
and the miracle of revolt...
no words of holding back...
to be sorry in a life...
for the glory of losing...
was not to be won...
as a forgotten life...

for the unrequated

unrequated from fear...

surviving for being frightened...

the chances need change...

if life was acted upon...

in those words and those moments...

would it all end up the same way...

fear tells that it would...

if only to justify inaction for the unrequated...

The Natural

where the ugly repeats...
and tries to break in...
and cut away the natural...
others bloom without thriving...
from the dark clouds they live...
beauty away from the start...
they live inside the forgotten repeats...
the ones who burn away the natural...
the natural always wins by days end...

to find

if decisions didn't terrify...
what would be the matter...
with opening eyes...
breathing and living after...
you even knew to live...
the differences would be that dream you forgot...
if you were the dream, would eyes open...
or lie dead closed sleeping dreams...
are you that person you dream you are...
fear is the only gift that is free...
never would you try to find...

learning

Everyone and everything was the white noise...
I learned to ignore...
Even my own heart the white noise...
Flat lining...
Complacent to life...
.Everything was expect...
As everything was...

Fractions

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Fragment one

    Screeching wheels, burnt tires, Crunching metal. sounds played between the static of the radio blaring partial bits of songs. Roll over the world spinning one way opposite of the moment before. free falling over the road and out of sight. Rolling and rolling moving at a speed to match its destination.
    Relaxing in a simple sad way like reliving a childhood moment. few joys rolled around in his head along within this car, destinations unknown. how long would it take to find me, will it be before I stop spinning? words that flowed in his mind. no answer... I need to keep moving... have I been seen. I've made it this far. I can't see them but that doesn't mean that they haven't seen where I left the road.
    Days have gone by since an uneventful week that ended with a madness that he couldn't shake. how many days has it been?
    Friday night that had been like all the rest, set in stone. Pouring down the drinks to give life to the emptiness something like boredom. new poisons... give new sights, new fears, new loves, more often a madness to seek these new poisons.

    Morning: waking crumpled up in the front seat hanging somewhere inside and outside of the car. Leafs in the face some in the mouth some kind of feast from the night before. a body stirs nears by, with a gurgling sound the words "Help me. I wanna go home" came out fearfully.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Fragment two

    "was that women really flirting with me? was it even last call? where am I?" rang out in his head. the body next to him, reeked of vomit and alcohol. another anonymous passenger along for the ride. the destination didn't matter. it was all about the ride.

Miss conceptions of bar room romances were common the morning after... never regret any scene that were made when manners were forgotten.

                    last night was lost along with keys to this car that didn't belong to him. sides hurting, fragmented faces spoke in blurred memories.

New tastes came from the night before, new habits to leech on the old familiar ones. welcomed to break the monotony that comes from old those familiar addiction.

                    New faces of familiar routines came into the light from this new element. only left to remember which sins were committed in the night leading to this morning’s madness laying next to this vomited body of this stranger.

                    the body was tangled among the seat belt like a fish in a net, seems there was a mad dash to get in. what kind of mistake had been made in the company of these new colors and this new body.

                    “Who are you? I don't remember you... what happened?" quizzically searching this new body came into focus... it was the body of a very narrow woman, barely old enough to drink with the benefit of doubt. "Fuck my P.O. is gonna give me hell"

                    "Just don't say anything" replied more like a quip.

                    "well where the fuck are we? I don't want to sit here in these bushes" ignoring the smugness " let’s find out where we are"

Fragment Red

The Faces all look crooked, was on the way out. Not try to do any favors with his mind a few steps behind his body.

Stumbling with his words and steps trying to finding any way out. No friendly arms came to guide the world around.

                    Smoked filled, eyes behind the red, breathing fast, waking up in action. Violent like a match burning, feeling sick in the stomach.

The attempts for escape, couldn’t take anymore. Gasping heard from behind the heartbeats throbbing in the head.

                    Everything was made into a motion  that made no sense. The sudden far off pain, the gash… “Where did the red come from?”

The only tangible words in the fury, no replies were heard in the wet splashes of flesh.

                    Anger was the world and the only word that defined it. From the strikes came more red. The body shock clouded consciousness. The crushing sound broke up the limited thoughts into grunts and coughs.

                    The blood… friends… enemies... Where is this place, that only knows the motions of anger.

                    The body shock another blow far after the last call .

                    Not seeing any way out, only looking for a way out fight or flight. The mayhem from the inside matched the outside.

                    Resisting what hands that became fists, they were that loved, and with the sharpness of a tongue, they threatened, they killed, they tasted blood… friend… hated… no lines could see the deference.

                    Needing to stop, the faces that came into the calm, to bring these poisoned hands and infected words. Those hands were all the bad things in the world. They broke the calm the peace. They hurt everything, it was their fault. It was his turn to undue all the scars they left, before claimed a mark upon his soul like everyone else.

EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BE STOPPED NOW

Premonition

Thursday, July 28, 2005
premonition: Introduction

gripping the edge of reality, struggling to find what is definite in day to day life a man questions his name, his nature... God.

Voices of those around him gather so many and cruel, seen in the air about his face. Reality questions his level of commitment in what is real or imagined the lines blur.

Being young, we as he has sought answers that are more confusing and defined at the same time.

"God speak to us every day, and it’s up to us to decide which is real or imagined." broke words uttered " I can't tell"

"what is it exactly that you see or hear?" questions many doctors white over coats merging together in one sterilized creature. "Do you believe that GOD truly speaks to you? Are you that blessed that God loves you enough to speak clearly to you?"

"All are blessed. You just choose to ignore." Sharply uttered. "Many more voices than that of God speak to us every day."

"Do you know why you are here?" Spoken as a rebuttal the lead doctor shot.

Silence...

"You came to us... to protect you from what is within you, not what is without you" Brief pause meant fester in the patients’ mind "Sir you are a Danger to yourself, and quite possibly the general public with your so called visions" Freezing near the end of the sentence to force a point. Slowly the doctor composes himself in gentle terms. "Mass hysteria is not beneficial to society. Don't you believe it wrong to mislead those that are weak of mind and body into believing God speaks through you?"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005
premonition 1-1
continued from Thursday, July 28, 2005

slipping in and out of what is tangible to the whites. Questions are what define our reality.
"Nonsense is the Dogma of modern life. Speaking shallow words to comfort what you don't understand." words softly dripped out of a mouth that can't tell
what it has to say.

"Clearly this is a man who can't even gather himself for a simple sentence" slight frustration "Some of his words he speaks are discernible to us,... but it's as though he's almost reading a book or statement from his mind."

"This world has long forgotten which is the truth and which is the deceiver" cutting through the doctor’s statements.

"What is your name?" Mildly spoken "for all that you have spoken, we do not have your name."

"..."
Saturday, April 08, 2006 
premonition 1-2

Continued from Wednesday, December 14, 2005

buzzing the unshakable sound. Gripping tightly in and around faces.

Speaking through and around comes new words "tell him." came from the buzzing "do you believe that you’re crazy? Do you believe that GOD is real?"

Confusion gripping terror shakes him as he swings away the buzzing that has no place.

Simple laughs fill the room not from the whites but everywhere but nowhere starting from the buzzing.

"SIR!" Barkingly "Please calm yourself, if you do not we will no other alternative, but to sedate you." slightly masked irritation mixed with anticipation.

No other words could reach him beyond the buzzing. "Stop the buzzing!!!" franticly screeching. Clasping over ears tightly did solve it.

Hands reaching all at once restraining with much might. Sharp pinch to the leg and the sounds of laughter fade.

As Vol:1 Looks kinda week, but that was then

 

This Volume is dedicated to all the madness former loves caused me…

I won’t say any names, because that was then and this is now.

And you didn’t contributing anything anyways.

So kick rocks!

 

The Beginning of Drunk Poet Volume:1

I would like to thank Kat of Mystery Hangup Fame for pushing me to “work it”.

Much Love and Respect

FOREWORD:

 

This first volume was originally intended to be over a thousand poems collected, but I got to thinking that would be too much of a heavy read and that it would seem redundant.

Also I felt that I broke it up into collected volumes it would shine brighter and that it would also show the progression . so if you are only familiar with my later stuff you can see how much a pessimist I was.

Hope you enjoy.

Monday, August 09, 2004 

Well maybe one day

It seems that every time that you try things just harder, sometimes your heart and your mind are thinking two different things. Your mind knows that maybe you should let go, so that it doesn't hurt. But your heart can't let go. I don't know about fate anymore but I think that it lingers here and there. If fate does exist I hope things will be in favor. And I’m not going to make anyone ever hurt anymore. FrEeK

Friday, August 13, 2004 

just try to move without losing

don't ever forget what you really try to do don't ever let new faults drag you down just march against those pains where we will all be when give it our all... proud that we didn't give up I refuse to give up I won't lose to faithlessness

Saturday, August 14, 2004 

things that could have been

I won't speak if you can't we won't be able to change fate I can only curse those times that failed me still I try to do the right thing even while I’m falling on my face I will still challenge the order of things to come yet I can't let everything drag me down

Sunday, August 15, 2004 

When can I go home

when that rises in the morning I’m going to off on my way back when your asleep before work I will be going home when that call comes I’m going to be leaving for home where I belong thank you for your compassion and hospitality thank you kindly but I’ll on my way back home

Sunday, August 15, 2004 

No one can ever be the same

someone who looked like you walked by me the other day I almost stopped but I knew that it was wishful thinking I didn't let it bring me down because I’m learning not to be let down "everybody care's everybody understands"

Monday, August 16, 2004 

Mondays

those are the days that begin the cycle over again I already for the most part know how things will end up at the end of the week everything is beginning to become monotonies’ and mundane I don't know anymore of anything anymore but I won't go down so easily

Monday, August 16, 2004 

I didn't understand until it was too late

Everything was perfect until the world crashed into ours it was heaven but things can never be the same forever I just tried to find heaven again in a different place now I know it isn't the place but the time

Tuesday, August 17, 2004 

I hear that music

I hear those sounds that you use to love and I remember... I’m softhearted I live in memories the things that you loved I didn't care much about those things now that there aren't those sounds I remember

Friday, August 20, 2004 

if I could

there was nothing I could choose but to fight to keep it all with every battle I gained some then I lost some I only try to keep things safe I know I’m not selfish

Saturday, August 21, 2004 

I would

with every ounce of strength that I have mounted up I with fight till the last drop I won't be the first to drop when can these battles stop

Thursday, August 26, 2004 

NO MATTER WHAT

I can stay I won't leave I dried your tears when situation wouldn't let us be I didn't leave and we aren't leaving each other forever I’m still here... NO MATTER WHAT I haven't moved still tomorrow I will be here waiting for you

Tuesday, September 07, 2004 

I know that I’m a contradiction

I fight to move up but I betray myself and slip back to where I don't think I should I’m trying now there’s not going to be any slipping anymore Now that I’m Focused when I’m not really wanting to focus on these things

Sunday, September 19, 2004 

I want you to know

What I would... say the word and it will all be true if you let me I can only try just please let me try and you will see that whatever you want I will give you

Sunday, September 19, 2004 

To the ONE

if I was a rich man

I would pay your debts and loans

I would make so you never would have to

if I was a rich man I would buy you a house

so you could live as free as you want to be

I’d buy you a car so you can go where you'd like

 if I was a rich man

I’d buy you all the precious stones in the world

because you are the only one that is precious

if I was a rich man

 I could be be you king and you could be my Goddess and we could be happy

if I was a rich man

our mothers wouldn't have to work no more

they'd have their own households

if I was a rich man

our brothers and sisters would not have to worry about getting sick

we could take care of them

if I was a rich man

I would thank GOD and give back those he would want me to help

if I was a rich man...

Monday, September 20, 2004 

If I could... I would

If I could... I would do what you needed me to do I would change it all for the best one wish that I would give to you for the best I would do you know I would do it for you

Wednesday, October 06, 2004 

Just say the word

If you could say the word Heaven could exists not just in a memory anymore but for us here where we see it we won't have to only remember Heaven we can live it

Sunday, October 17, 2004 

Mathematics

I could add another one but it wouldn't add up where you were right no one could never add up this is one of the few problems I do understand

Friday, October 22, 2004 

What I found Down South

looking for something in getting lost running from you trying to release you but I miss you now I believe I can't leave you I miss you this going to take a while maybe we'll both get lucky and find out while we're broken apart

Saturday, October 23, 2004 

Leaving it as it is

I wish I didn't say those things maybe it wasn't going to work out anyway now I got to live with what happened I wish that you could understand what happened tomorrow will be another day and I’m not going let these beats keep me down forever I’m not made of iron even though I wish I was my heart still hurts

Sunday, November 07, 2004 

through action or Inaction

it seems no matter which way I try to look things are always bad everywhere I go I can't seem to find peace and that mark on my hand I’m always scratching it and remembering that its always bad I don't know what I’m supposed to do whichever way I go

Sunday, November 07, 2004 

I don't think we'll lose
if we tried we wouldn't lose,

We could try and I know that it would be better.

if you let me... I can't do it all on my own

because I’ve done everything but we can try

Wednesday, December 01, 2004 

I don't know why

I don't know why I can't stop Loving you gave me everything that I ever wanted I wish I could follow you said we meet too soon ever since I meet you I’ve been falling... in love with you

Sunday, January 09, 2005 

as the days go by

I can't shake you from my mind I worry if your with somebody else I wonder you still cry when you think of me I wouldn't do anything to hurt you I’d come back if you said the word

Wednesday, February 09, 2005 

if there was another way

to search this world would be a lifetime in a life it would be a waste and yet to never find the end of a quest that can never be found peace and happiness is the ultimate goal

Wednesday, February 09, 2005 

if I could find it for you

it would be better off if we didn't have find what we need I must confess that we need the struggle we tire of the long fights and the long periods of silence those tender moments of rawness are what are defining us now in my life I hoped to end the hurt we feel if just for one night it would all be gone I would give what I could until then we still have to crawl

Thursday, February 10, 2005 

what I got

what I got are the chances that you keep passing by nothing will ever go the way we plan and this is all I know I always want to feel this was something that mattered I don't want to miss out on what would be my legend I’ll be on my feet and out the door if I can't feel this way

Thursday, February 10, 2005 

digression

I know what you've always talked about it strikes me like lightning I want to fall in love with you again tonight but I know what keeps us apart and it's always on my mind I’ll be right here and don't know how else I can say this but I figured you out and this is my theme song of how I digress

Thursday, February 10, 2005 

hope you understand

sometimes I think I have to leave everything behind so everyone won't have worry about me maybe I should leave you it might be for the best if I lived in another state you might not have to worry about my feelings if I didn't exists for you in a way I’m extreme but I tried so much and I’m sick of losing and worrying when the point you start to hate me but I know I want to stay and you say you don't want me to leave but to let you alone for a while but can you still understand what I feel inside can you still hear my heart beating I’m not happy without you and it’s not because I’m lonely but because you are a part of me and I’m sorry if I can't be perfect at trying

Sunday, February 13, 2005 

I Remember How I Love you

Today was a day that so many things were lost today you might remember of what you gained from that lose Memories are powerful and they can build a man to something better than he ever let himself drop today I remembered that I would do anything I remembered how much I love you

Saturday, February 19, 2005 

I haven't forgotten

I said I wouldn't ever lose I told you that I never leave those were my words that I hold true even after all the years of fighting and Love that we have shared I won't leave because I told you this was meant forever I gave you my heart and soul because you let me

Wednesday, February 23, 2005 

this is how I lost

even though we yelled and screamed most every day I stuck by you and it hurt I stayed because of what I felt on the inside and what I saw in you and now that it’s over I don't know what to expect because there's a big part of my life missing but I wish that you would call to tell me you miss me and that you want to come back but I know that you won't anytime soon

Thursday, February 24, 2005

when the lights go on

in the morning there was expectations now we reach the evening and I see little accomplishments nightfall will achieve what we missed in this day in the morning we can be proud of defeating the night together

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

When will it be?

when can we honored maybe when the ice melts and the sun rises listen here the days will be long and you can't seem to imagine what it will be like when it’s over then it will be over when you can't imagine then you will see how we are to be once you sleep out of your mind and stop being crushed you will know the truth

Wednesday, March 02, 2005 

offering

open your hands open your heart be ready to accept what I’m waiting to give you know it won't hurt give me some time to win your heart come on come on let me get closer before I will come on come on before my days are over and I can't offer my heart to you

Sunday, March 06, 2005

I’m tired
I’m tired of coming home to an empty bed every morning I dream of rolling over in my bed to give you a kiss before I get out of bed these nights that I have now I pray that you will come back I know what I pray for won't be made to be true still I pray... because of these night I have I pray

Monday, March 07, 2005 

I know what’s getting stronger

Love is lost in my mind maybe in my heart its strong but in my day to day life the only thing that grows stronger is the... void that was left in my life after...

Thursday, March 10, 2005 

Remembering

walking down these streets meeting people from my past people I thought that I had lost to time seeing them again is something that I had not imaged it is good to have a past that comes around but It’s not the part of my past that I want I wish for

Friday, March 11, 2005 

spending time

late night hard drink aren't always enough to get through the days especially when my cure for these everyday blues is no longer available these can't be cures they just end up being crutches

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Why not?

How can I not be angry? Why can't I be bitter? things found their way to be great but like everything else it never lasts and I got to settle with something I don't want even when I try things don't ever work out even if it’s better for me

Sunday, March 13, 2005 

What is left?

these days aren't what I wanted mellow dramatic to live in a lie to be comfortable existing without pleasure must make an exit from what I know because my true comfort is not left got to go far to get away from all this internal drama I’m tired of clawing at the walls being patient I’m not content

Sunday, March 13, 2005

every day is like this

nowhere I can find peace of mind but I don't want to give up even if my darling is no longer by my side to help me from falling I can't let my mind destroy me I need to leave to grasp things

Tuesday, March 15, 2005 

hey anger

hey anger I’m right here you know me so well I’m with your friend disappointment we go way back this how we are you know this already why do I got say it again

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

intentions are making

I’m feeling sick from not hearing lost in the dark waiting for what may not come it makes me sick waiting did I just lose for hoping what are my intentions now

Thursday, March 17, 2005 

even though weaknesses

when we don't try when give up it will always be there if I die it will still be there situations wouldn't allow it to be the absolute truth of our lives but it will always be with me and I know it will always be with you even if we try to forget to kill it will always be there in one way or another

Thursday, March 17, 2005 

am I hollow

if I wanted to kill this off would I lose more than I thought I could lose if I opened my eyes to something else I would lose something of myself that I hold very dear I would not be the same person that everyone knows

Friday, March 18, 2005 

every day I find my world is getting smaller

those have come to visit are on their way again away from me on their quests to find themselves far away they will look when they miss home and their past they will comeback I don't know when... maybe bruised cut or with another they will always have a reason they feel they need to come back to their roots

Saturday, March 26, 2005 

Home
where can I find home I don't know my heart I cannot believe anymore because it doesn't belong to me where I must go without a home to place a heart that I don't have any more wandering is what my soul is attempting now

Sunday, March 27, 2005 

the facts of this life

quiet is what I must become accustomed to now because I’m on my own and now that I can't rely on anyone for companionship I find other ways to try and keep myself from remembering that I am alone and that there is nothing I can do to change that fact

Monday, March 28, 2005 

how much is too much

how much is too far when can I tell that all my efforts aren't need or wanted these chances are available anymore for me to put more effort than I need to now I know that I can't be sure to give all my effort into anything anymore

Monday, March 28, 2005 

just want to keep on smoking with my drink in my hand

I try not to do too much talking about anything now a days because there is too much to say about how I feel I just want to keep on smoking with my drink in my hand and try and be content with what I feel so miserable about

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 

hopefully today

it’s been over a month now and no call or visit maybe you'll show up after work I know better than to believe my imagination because it listens to my heart which is not always right still it would be nice to have you come back I won't try to scare you I’d just be happy to have you close to me

Wednesday, March 30, 2005 

in my pocket

why does everything seem wrong the way things turned out things aren't even what I imagined there’s no other way to be but amazed that after falling out that I’d still feel this way even when we are still both hurting

Thursday, March 31, 2005 

to find that place

never have I ever been in a place where nothing else mattered is it a sin to want to be back in that place that was so right Love isn't something so easy I don't know about Love's plan where it will place us I can only try and have faith in it

Saturday, April 02, 2005 

set in stone

if love is set in stone and we still love someone we can't have why can't it be easier to be with that person so many attempts that get nowhere how can you help it but to feel like you've lost when you don't win the heart of someone you love with all your heart

Saturday, April 02, 2005 

maybe... we don't know

maybe I’ll see you when I’m on vacation years and years away you'll pull me close without a word and kiss me maybe you'll tell me you love me if you call me tonight maybe I’ll learn to forget or hide it better maybe I can pretend and make everyone believe that I’m over it maybe they'll believe me maybe you can live without me in your life maybe you can't and you'll be calling me tonight to be back in your life that’s what I’m hoping for no more maybes

Wednesday, April 06, 2005 

our truth

even when we are in pain we don't bend our wills to meet in the middle while all hell breaks loose we know how to quite everything but we are afraid to give into each other our story that we tell each other has a different meaning to you as it does to me love is the constant and we know this but it’s the intermission that we trouble with and when to give into each other

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

fiction

in the movies life is hard where you don't ever think you'll ever be able to rise again but till you see the light all is well movies and there optimism are what reality wishes it was

Thursday, April 07, 2005 

Not about anyone but me

Come out if you’re not afraid I’m not afraid anymore that’s why I challenge myself now my fear is all I knew so comforting to have a routine fear is from the unknown that’s why I challenge the unknown or the rejected because I’m not afraid

Thursday, April 07, 2005 

Good Morning

hope you get this poem before I wake up in the morning I hope when you read this you'll wake me up with a call just to tell me that you miss me and can't wait to get out of work to see or maybe play hooky and maybe we can go to the beach or to the park anywhere with and I’ll be happy if you wake me up in the morning I’d be happy to be waken early if maybe you'd call

Thursday, April 07, 2005 

if everything was alright

when the waves and knock me against the rocks I try to gasp for air my body hurts so does my heart I’m lost and I know it I got find my way back to you before I get so lost where I can't ever find myself either I need to swim harder and harder till I find you

Friday, April 08, 2005 

a text message to you

we could lay waste to everything we can forget about everything and it wouldn't matter because we can do without all the rest we just need each other and even if everyone thinks we're crazy I’ll say I’m about you and you'll say the same about me because if everything went away it wouldn't be hard forget about it no worries

Sunday, April 10, 2005 

What?
Current mood: hung over

time with you was like Christmas everyday even when the fighting was hell I knew that we still were great and as these days go by being apart I don't feel any less about you it just grows

Sunday, April 10, 2005 

the waiting fool

listening to old songs wondering if one night could redeem everything I wouldn't let it get fucked up underneath it all I can see you think the same thing I could sit and wait for you answer me maybe I’m just a fool to be wait for a reply that may not come but I don't care if I’m a fool I know that I wasn't a fool that gave up and willing to live something he wasn't happy with even tomorrow I will be playing this part again sitting and waiting for your reply

Sunday, April 10, 2005 

what was put forth

to give love is great and to have it returned in kind is something that not just anyone can give you can see the signs and could only wish that you didn't have to doubt them anymore lord knows what the truth is in this position it’s not so comfortable I hope that time doesn't dissolve what was put forth

Monday, April 11, 2005 

Promises
I could go for what makes me weak I could go down and fall if I do what I promised I wouldn't but I can't help it what has been there for me when I needed someone, that was all I could trust but I can gave my heart and soul to someone it isn't my choice anymore to want to fall down promises are stronger now even when I feel I want to fall... that promise is what keeps me up

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 

about me

if I could feel my head I could move out of the way if I could move I could work not blaming anyone just myself gotta shake it off can't let it drag me down even if my head is being dragged down by what my heart feels gotta shake it off and be smart about it

Wednesday, April 13, 2005 

fighting

I can't lose although I’m fighting not to lose I feel like I’m losing something else that I can't protect something that I tried to protect but it’s going to get hurt any ways I know I will lose that part I know that its important and precious I can't afford to lose that

Thursday, April 14, 2005 

effort

if you take one step in my direction I wouldn't mind take those steps to in your direction you have to make the first step then I will close the space between us not because I want make feel shame but to know that I’m not the only one fear of how we are is what keeps me from trying to get closer to you it’s not that I moved on with someone else I’m afraid of what might not happen if I make the effort

Thursday, April 14, 2005 

hints

if you’re afraid tell me why tell me what I am that makes you fear me I’ve never hurt you to make you be afraid there is nothing I wouldn't do for you I would stay with you and if you give me hints you got to be more obvious because it’s not you that should be scared even in all this mess I never tried to leave I stayed so you wouldn't be afraid of me but I’m try to get back near you I maybe quiet about it but I am here

Sunday, April 17, 2005 

Tomorrow holds?

I don't know if tears have any effect but they still come with the pain of loss even though I try to ignore what I hide inside I can't lose it and tomorrow holds so many possibilities to forget but it only gets harder to forget wondering and trying not to I’m feeling uptight but I have feel

Sunday, April 17, 2005 

living heaven

getting up, rolling out and getting dressed things keep breathing in my heart it is something that lives inside of me and will be there as long as I live it’s not a burden but a reminder of what heaven was like

Monday, April 18, 2005 

memories

I’m afraid to walk down bravery street where we traded so many times we walked home from school and work then sleeping on my bed like there was nothing else better in the world I never wanted it to end I just wanted to walk home with you and have you sleep in my bed every night

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 

THINGS

things I did to make things better things that made me so tired those things I’d tomorrow if those things would make you come back so many things I think about to talk to you so many things we haven't done I know if I keep doing these things I’m going to get tired but I know I need to keep trying these things

Tuesday, April 19, 2005 

times of day

in the morning I never want to lose even if your doubting me in the evening I won't ever let you down even if I’m falling I came to finish what I promised even when I’m having trouble breathing I’m never going to let you down

Thursday, April 21, 2005 

Yeah

if you say that you need me be by your side I would say "yeah you don't have to ask" if that’s what you want it what’s I want even now when I’m here doing whatever with my time... if you ask me I’ll say "yeah" without even asking what you need I would say "yeah" just to you

Thursday, April 21, 2005 

many kinks

battered hearts torn realities spinning together and apart when we meet all of these things are what we should like and every day we are apart it sounds worst when we meet someone else many of people don't know what to say about how we feel about each other when we are together and then apart

Thursday, April 21, 2005 

looking forward

even if I cry today it will be the same old story as it was yesterday and our story won't be put back even if I take the chance not to do what I’m known for still it’s just a part of me that can't go away and if the years pass I don't know what will make me believe again nothing will give me that trust again it makes me sad that I’m helpless about not being content with an everyday life and wife I don't love or want

Friday, April 22, 2005 

Home

I want to go home where I made my home with her family and her love after I lost my home I just wandered because home is where the heart is and my heart was with her I want to see her again I want to go home

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 

Non-fiction (fiction)?

these days aren't what yesterdays were I’m just left with questions and stories that I don't really care to see through even if it is easier just sitting here remembering all those yesterdays that are now lost to me I don't how I can set it down maybe just one day I won't have to live these stories that I can't stand

Thursday, April 28, 2005 

hell to pay

if tonight I comeback and I’m caught I’m going to hell tonight because of what of I hold in my heart drowning it in a sea of alcohol blurs the thought only for a moment but no matter how much I’ve been forcing it lately I still have hell to pay for

Friday, April 29, 2005 

how it happened

one day I felt like I could let myself sink while I think of ways to try and be safe without any chances but you wouldn't let me be you saved me from the one I should have the most fear of... me

Tuesday, May 03, 2005 

telling

another plot that can on till there is an end fitting for you to decided I am only looking for my place with my character I won't stand in your way no matter how much time it takes for you to write out where we belong

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 

hiding/lying/me

hiding behind words that won't anger I live now in lies to myself I hide behind the bottle and burn holes in my soul with cigarettes I don't which way I’m suppose to act when I don't believe anyone anymore no more can I give out my heart to anyone there's just anger where it should be hiding behind a smile is what I’ve become so good at doing

Tuesday, May 10, 2005 

Funny isn't?

I try to smile when I feel like crying when my sides hurt and new friends meet me for the first time I laugh to them to show that I’m not crying but at night alone with only words of wisdom and memories floating in my head I still try to smile and laugh to myself

Friday, May 13, 2005 

Anger?

even if there is anger that can be seen the facts will always be the same that no matter how ones heart burns from a pain of losing that it’s not his choice to change it but that he needs to have faith in fate no matter how bleak that is what anger needs to become

Sunday, May 15, 2005 

mornings

truly there is nothing can be done even with confusion I can't be content with anything urges to fight and make everything right just don't cut anymore and some so tired of trying to pretend like I’m ok with how things are I’m not happy with the way things are it makes me mad each day and especially every morning when I wake up I see how my heart burns with a love I can't have

Sunday, May 15, 2005 

running away

dreaming of how to coup in my dreams I see you crying when I see you in person I make you cry I don't what this makes us it’s so confusing with a passion that has no direction but to get us lost and separate us the only things that I can suggest about anything is that you and me should runaway together from what makes hurt

Sunday, May 15, 2005 

lost and found

if only I could do what my heart feels maybe things would be this bad but who can tell if my heart can know anything that is real and things wouldn't be bad then to

Tuesday, May 17, 2005 

(RUN) don't do it

if now you’re heading toward a life away from me in matrimony I’m never going to know you now but I’m going to love you anyhow and if you tell me this is true I’m going to run where you can't catch me I’m going to run tell my feet hurt and burn in the desert sand where no one can catch me I’ll till I drop and no one else will ever be able to quell what secrets my heart hold if those words I hope you don't ever say are true I’m out the door before you can see my face or hear when my soul dies I’ll be running for ever with a fury of what I lost

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 

golden

how did we get to be golden and how did we get away from it there is no scientific formula we can follow back to where life was so blessed to be together we got find our gold in the sun we reach for everyday before it sets

Thursday, May 26, 2005 

tomorrow's we hope for the best

where days will go to an end I don't know where to make this change where I left myself I can't seem to find the person I was something to you that would have made god proud but now cynicism is what defines my outward appearance and I hide it so well from you after so much practice from the battles we had throughout the years I don't regret anything about us and I know you don't we leave the regrets about ourselves inside even when I go to sleep I regret how I acted I want to make you proud again

Friday, June 03, 2005 

to the bone

I’m sorry my words cut to the bone I’m sorry that I can't do anything now to make things right sorrow for what became waiting for something new and not to be lost there are too many options that I can't take when I’m watching you go and our towns don't have any hold on us sorrow won't put it right and this makes us lost to each other even in be lost no one can find how to stop it

Friday, June 03, 2005 

sour milk

if I could go back with what I hold inside maybe I could make a difference in us but I can't and now I’m just holding out till maybe you can come back down my street and I just keep holding out because I’m careful now not to believe all those lies of this world soon as I can I’d go back to fix what we have now

Friday, June 03, 2005 

wink

I don't know how you can feel after all the fury we held even when everyone is watching us from their windows I know they hope for what is best even though I walk into the unknown with you I still have my heart in all of travels time will tell me if I should have blinked when you came back around

Friday, June 03, 2005 

I meant it

I hold in so much because I’m afraid to lose what little I have of you and don't want to lose this lie that I am beginning to accept I’m safe here to lay down with my lies and my hopes I hide with my emotions deep in my heart and it helps to wash it down further with a hard drink but if you called me with love in your voice I know I would do anything to be in your arms

 

Friday, June 03, 2005 

love or luck... four letter words

I guess love and luck have allot more in common we give it a shot even when we believe it so much we could die for it and with every roll of the dice we know that this will be hard knocks but we still believe with so much heart

Friday, June 03, 2005 

please?

I want you here by my side not because I’ve too much to drink but because its cold and your touch is the only thing that can warm me from this world that is so cold

Monday, June 06, 2005 

holding on

now these days are filled with silence and now I trip when I fall back into the past I can't seem forget and why do I assume that the future will be worst now aim moving on even when I’m scared no I’m not trembling even when all that is around me is moving and shaking I hold tight in my mind that tomorrow will be better than today I won't let it be any other way because I am the one to make that decision no matter how alone and scared I am

Sunday, June 26, 2005 

orange crush

I don't know where I stand now so many paths tarnished I am now weighed down in the deepest part of my soul I walk a path that I can't see too far ahead of me confusion is not my ally but my only companion drama is close to me at all time

Monday, June 27, 2005 

queries

if I hide you maybe she'll meet someone who can fix what I did and when I hide her in my heart I can of the proper words to answers

Friday, July 01, 2005 

future

trying to find the ground to have a perfect day I’m hanging on I keep watching myself and wonder about myself and when I will stop garrulous, common am I with these worries I’m waiting for the man I will be hoping that he will better than the man I’m staring at in the mirror I know he can make up his mind better than I he will be my hero it’s no joke

Friday, July 01, 2005 

wine and roses

Star spangled dreams of what? dreams, choices maybe of sins that I are nothings to god but so dark to us we keep making choice to make it to tomorrow

Saturday, July 02, 2005 

complacent

I’m just a common individual with unconventional desires if I could be anything in this world that could inspire would I still be common in manner may I take on what is so common

 

Afterthought:

            If you got through this madness, there will be much more. There are nearly a thousand more poems that I have on hand at the moment to publish.

            Also I’m always writing so who knows how many volumes will come out of my head its looking like maybe ten volumes at the moment.

            Be on the look out for my first novel Young Plebian and a collection of my short stories that maybe included into another volume of poetry.

Thank You if you made it this far be ready for Volume: 2 soon