Vacation

Some days I just want to hide away... away from all the obligations of life, the debt, the responsibilities. If I could hide in some hotel room away from shouting distance or phone calls, just to decompress for a while and sleep beside a few empty bottles of booze.
...but then how would I pay for the room or the booze, there's not even enough money for the gas to get there.

I don't even have a girlfriend because they've only cost me in the past money or emotions, I’m short on both when I really need them. There is no sympathy for the lonely, but it suits me, keeps me in the right frame of mind from spending money or time that I don't have. Yeah it seems sad in that one moment but I just need the silence to be alone and set my mind straight this is where a woman would hinder everything that I’ve been trying to say...

How did anyone ever get to write or do anything? The budgets to do anything are not even put on the board yet, before what I get doesn't even end up in my pocket it’s never mine before it’s taken... I need a vacation from myself, to be something or someone else that can actually live, grinding out meals and rent aren't very fulfilling when the vice of friends are too far away. The little I scrape together from the weaseling I do isn't always enough for simple vices.

I don't like being poor, but it seems like this is the truest American experience I can express and this isn’t being cynical it’s not even about the time I live in, it’s about the hand I was dealt and my guilt to remain shackled to my morals? Is this how my father felt when I was child? If so I’m that I don’t have to kids to passively express my discontent with how things have played out this far into my life.

I just keep telling myself that I need to suffer some to really appreciate what’s to come in the future. If not maybe I’m a bigger fool than Lot,  Faith in tomorrow is all I have.